Apparently, I’m Simplistic.

August 21st, 2008

The Blogalyser reveals…

Your blog/web page text has an overall readability index of 9.

This suggests that your writing style is simplistic
(to communicate well you should aim for a figure between 10 and 20).Your blog has 4 sentences per entry, which suggests your general message is distinguished by clarity
(writing for the web should be concise).

CHARACTER MATRIX

male malefemale female
self oneselfgroupworld world
past pastpresentfuture future

Your text shows characteristics which are 48% male and 52% female
(for more information see the Gender Genie).
Looking at pronoun indicators, you write mainly about yourself, then the world in general and finally your social circle. Also, your writing focuses primarily on the present, next the past and lastly the future.

Find out what your blogging style is like!

On the Road to Boring, or “How I Nearly Died”

July 27th, 2008

As Ed and I sat in the diner, catching up on each other’s lives and solving the world’s problems, she was probably doing something similar - perhaps shuffling about her home in a housecoat and slippers, a cup of coffee in one hand, a cigarette in the other. We were, at that moment, unaware of each other.

Ed and I finished breakfast, and got down to business: Route planning. We have similar styles, Ed and I. The Journey -is- the Destination, so we left a fair bit up to chance. We knew only that he wanted to end up North of Baltimore, since his final destination is Southeastern Massachusetts. While perusing the map, searching for the roads that look like they were drawn by an epileptic mid fit, I happened on a town name - Boring, and we immediately agreed that our route should take us there.

We took White’s Ferry into Maryland, and then, after making a series of random lefts and rights on unnamed and unnumbered roads, ended up at an actual intersection. The interesting thing about this intersection was that there were two of them on the map, about 15 miles from each other, one in Etchison, one in Cloverly. We enlisted some local assistance, and figured out the best way to Boring. Surprisingly, we had actually been heading in the right direction, so it wasn’t far.

I was in the lead, on MD-32 - a 2 lane, undivided highway, with a full lane-width shoulder that would become the turn lane at an intersection. The speed limit was 55, and I was doing about 60 indicated, just motoring along, enjoying the day. I was climbing a little hill, and there was a street at the top, where the road bent left.

I saw her come up to the intersection and start to edge out, so I did the Kauppi Weave ™ to let her know I was there. It appeared that she picked me up, because she stopped edging out; however, appearances can be deceiving. She started to go. I began diving to the right, dropping anchor, but it was too late. It was at this point that she *actually* picked me up, and stopped, fully in my lane. I kept going right, and as the rear wheel started to skid, I realized that I was not going to make it, and it was going to be bad. I got off the rear brake before the lean got too great, and instead of high-siding, I flicked around her rear end, as she continued to go.

I stopped on the shoulder, took off my gloves and helmet.

All I could see was her rear end filling my vision, and hearing my thought “I’m not going to make it,” over and over.

If she hadn’t kept going, I really wouldn’t have made it, and I wouldn’t be writing this.

Ed and I made it to Boring, took a picture and parted ways, he bound for the Catskills, I for home.

What Have I Done

July 25th, 2008

This was on a LJ that I sometimes read. I’m bored at work, waiting for a friend to show up so we can go change the tire on his motorcycle.

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby’s diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Member of Congress
132a. Had them write back
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. …more than once?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a TV game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than US states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. …and gotten 86′ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197. Been a DJ
198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199. Written your own role playing game
200. Been arrested

Yup.

July 23rd, 2008

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ”I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

A first pass

July 18th, 2008

I’m not sure if I’m finished with this one…

Lullabye

Recording

July 17th, 2008

I’ve got 4 or 5 sings finished that I want to record, but when I was using the computer, I ran into a latency problem that I just couldn’t get around. After dinking with it for a couple weeks, I just gave up. During the time that I was recording on it, though, I loaned out my 4 track to a friend at work. Well, I wanted to record, so I asked for it back. Then I discovered that I didn’t have the power supply (I didn’t have it when I loaned it), so I ordered one off of ebay. So it arrives… I plug it in… pop in a cassette, and … drum roll, it doesn’t work. I begin investigating getting it repaired, and find a guy in Colorado who repairs them, and it looks like he does a very thorough job, but it’s going to be about $150. Well, now I’m in a quandary - if I spend that $150 on making the computer recording work correctly, I’ve got a much better setup, but the 4 track is easy to use and operate. Since I know a couple people that do computer recording, I start asking them. They’re willing to assist me in overcoming the latency issue. Neat. I go home, plug everything back in, and start testing.

And there’s no latency.

bwah??

I’m frustrated that I ran around for a few weeks trying to put things together, and delighted that it all just works now.

I’ve made a test recording, and it turned out well.

Tonight, I’m going to put down a song.

Road Trip

July 11th, 2008

Ed had mentioned that he was going to be in the area, and I, of course, offered him lodging. He said that he was hooking up with RW for steaks on the barbee, and might not be by. Porterhouses win out over a mattress in the basement anytime, so I figured I wouldn’t see him.
I was wrong.
He got in about 9 or 10. We drank and caroused for a bit, and he asked what my plans were for the weekend. I told him that I had no plans, and that sealed my fate - we were riding to Willville. I spoke to RW, and we agreed to meet at the rest stop on 66 “at 8:30. Not 9, not 9:30.”
I rousted us out of bed an on the road in time to go get some food, but everything was closed, what with it being the 4th. We stopped and got gas and some gas station food, and made it to the rest stop on time. RW pulled up about 9. We talked about routing, and Ed reiterated that he didn’t want to slab. RW’s plan was to slab to the head of the BRP. When Ed said again that he didn’t want to slab, RW said that it was “only 60 miles.” Ed acquiesced. Slab down 66 to 81. After 90 miles, Ed smoked past us to pull off at 211, and we both followed. We chatted at a gas station and Ed and I decided to peel off and do 211. I let him lead - since my crashes, I’m just not as fast leading, but I do fine keeping up.
211 is a great road. We were unobstructed, and both made good passes. On the way back over, we stopped at the top, and I had a smoke. The place I pulled off was cambered pretty severely, but the bike was stable… until I tried to get back on, at which point it fell over. Sigh. Another zero speed drop It wasn’t until later that I remembered that I had been planning on putting my windshield on this weekend - glad I didn’t do it before this trip… or so I thought.
We took 340 down to the head of the BRP, and motored on. The BRP is a nice road… it’s a perfect road to ride “The Pace” on. At my speed, you don’t have to brake for any corners, and can roll on the throttle coming out of them. Ed had me leading since by his own admission he can’t help but continue to speed up.
We made it to Willville in a comfortable 9 hours, taking frequent rest stops and smoke breaks. At one of the gas stops, there was a sign on the door:
Lost Dog
Black lab
About 70 pounds
Very friendly
Wearing only a flee collar
Please call [phone number]

All I could think was, “Well, no wonder he ran off… You put a flee collar on him!” Heh.

Once we got the tent set up, we partook in a few beverages, until the rain came in… and come in it did. We were the last to be sitting around the fire, just bullshitting and catching up. There was some lightning about, but it seemed fairly far off - “seemed” being the operative word here. All at once it sounded like a waterfall, but it wasn’t raining yet. Realizing what was happening, we tore off across the campground to get our gear inside. We got a little wet, but nothing too bad. As we lay there, drowsing off to sleep, there were a couple strokes of lightning that were so close the crack almost seemed to come before the light, but after a long day, it did nothing more than register.
I woke early the next day, and straggled up to get some coffee. PR was planning out a route. I’ve ridden with Phil before, notably at the Sternwheeler, and he is the epitome of smooth=fast. On that day, he was leading on a Pacific Coast, which is not a sport bike by any stretch of imagination… I wasn’t -working- to keep up with him, but I was definitely at the upper edge of my skills.
Anyway, Ed, Michael from Orange, Martin Gerald (and his son), and I took off. It didn’t start raining immediately, but did start up in earnest after an hour or so. I recognized a couple places that I had gone through on my trip down to see Ed, and wanted to see if I could get us on one of the roads that I very fondly remembered (rt 600), but it was not to be. We took a nice and easy route until about noon, when we got to some of Phil’s secret roads… and there’s good reason he keeps them secret. I had an absolute hoot on some of these roads - no cops, no gravel, and no traffic. We ended up at “Hungry Mother” state park at about 5, I think. A check of all of us led to the decision to head for home. En route, it was agreed that we were all hungry, and we stopped at what Phil referred to as a “fish camp.” Apparently these are “family” restaurants, so when I asked for a beer, the waitress, who it turns out was 16, looked at me as if I had three heads. Ah well…. what do I know. :~)
We got back to camp around dark and sat around the fire telling lies until, oh, I don’t know… late. A good time was definitely had.
I didn’t want to get back late, since a long motorcycle ride makes work the next day difficult, so I had a ‘wheels up’ departure time of 10. Michael from Orange decided to ride back with me, but he wanted to stop at a mill on the BRP. Since I didn’t really have a required arrival time, that sounded good to me. It turned out to be one of the most picturesque spots I’ve ever seen. Maybe it was the light, maybe it was the mood, but it was a great call on his part. We both got involved in conversations with strangers, and ended up spending a good hour there. Once we got rolling again, we didn’t stop until Peaks of Otter, where we had lunch. Michael had dessert - I eschewed it, and for good reason - about 45 minutes later he pulled over to let me know that he was nodding off, and was going to take a nap. I motored on.
I made a tactical error, though… I decided to take skyline drive. After about 20 miles, I could see thunderheads building to the West. I stopped and put on my rain gear and watched the storms roll in. 10 miles later, the skies opened, and I was in a pretty serious rain storm. it was raining so hard that the seal on my face shield failed, and the water was running down the inside, making it impossible to see, let alone pass the Winnie I was stuck behind. I should have gotten off at rt 33, but I stayed on all the way to 211, stuck behind the Winnie, who also got off at 211… Sigh. However, it was not without its rewards… firstly, I couldn’t see well enough to go much over the posted speed of 35, and secondly, I learned that rain in the mountains is **cold**. I was fine, except for my hands, since I was wearing only my leather work gloves. Once we got down a couple hundred feet on 211, the rain went from ice water, to bathwater… it was neat to experience.

It was 9 hours there, 12 hours Saturday, and 12 hours to get home, and a lot of it in the rain.

I don’t know how far I went, and I didn’t bring my camera, but golly it was fun.

Gah!

July 9th, 2008

Depression is ‘teh suck’

I cannot bring myself to go to work.

I am filled with self loathing.

I hate myself for that.

I want this to end. I am tired of the fight.

I will persevere.

The Worst of All Possible Vaginas - Violent Acres

June 23rd, 2008

The Worst of All Possible Vaginas - Violent Acres
It looked like an octopus that had been crushed by a hydraulic press, or perhaps raw hamburger someone had thrown on the floor of a barber shop and picked back up. Only it was worse than all those things because it was phlegmy and gooey, and just by looking at it you could feel its horrible clinging texture. It was the texture of rape and invasion, of penetration and soiling. It was Heather’s vagina, and she was wantonly shoving her entire fist in and out of it licking her lips at me. I would have thought that a woman that fat would never have been able to crawl up on a desk and spread her legs open that far. I would have been wrong.

Bob The Anal Fissure

June 12th, 2008

Bob The Anal Fissure
After lurking about in the wings the required 2 months I have felt the need to tell you about my anal fissure Bob.